I love being a mum but I still need time that belongs to me

I love being a mum. I love the cuddles, the conversations, the funny little moments and even some of the chaos that comes with it.

But I’ve also realised that loving your family and needing time away from responsibility can both be true.

Steve is going away for a few days, and I’ve already said that when he gets back, I would really like some time to myself.

I don’t have anything particularly exciting planned. I want to go shopping without having to split my attention between what I’m looking at and what everybody else needs. I want to walk at my own pace, browse without rushing and perhaps drink a coffee while it is still hot.

There will be no pushchair to manoeuvre, no bags to carry and no need to keep checking whether everybody else is comfortable, hungry, tired or ready to leave.

For a few hours, I simply want my time to belong to me.

Why do we wait until we’re exhausted?

Women are often brilliant at recognising what everybody else needs.

We notice when our children need rest, when our partner seems overwhelmed and when a friend needs someone to listen. Yet when it comes to our own needs, we can keep pushing them aside until we reach the point of complete exhaustion.

We wait until we’re overwhelmed, irritable or running on empty before saying, “I need a break.”

Sometimes we don’t even notice how much we need one until somebody gives us permission to stop.

I’m trying to become better at listening to myself before I reach that point. Asking for time alone isn’t an admission that something is wrong. It’s simply recognising what I need to feel more like myself.

Switching off looks different for everyone

When we think about relaxation, we often picture someone sitting perfectly still with an empty mind.

That image can make switching off feel like another thing we need to be good at.

Clients often tell me that they have tried meditation but struggle because their minds won’t stop thinking. They sit down, close their eyes and suddenly remember every job they need to do, every conversation they’ve had and something slightly embarrassing that happened in 2007.

But meditation isn’t about forcing your mind to become completely silent.

Thoughts will appear. The practice is noticing that your attention has wandered and gently bringing it back to your breathing, your body or the voice guiding you. Even if you do that twenty times, you haven’t failed.

You also don’t have to begin with a long meditation. Two quiet minutes, a few slower breaths or a short guided practice can be enough.

And meditation isn’t the only way to create calm.

For me, switching off can look like walking. It can be browsing the shops alone, getting outside in the fresh air or having a treatment where somebody else takes care of me for a change.

Your version of rest might be reading, gardening, listening to music, drinking a coffee in peace or sitting in the car for ten quiet minutes before going back inside.

The important thing is that it genuinely restores you not whether it looks like somebody else’s idea of self-care.

Finding your own kind of quiet this autumn

There’s something about the change of season that naturally invites us to slow down.

The evenings become darker, the air changes and life begins to feel a little cosier. It can be a lovely time to consider what you need as we move towards the busier final months of the year.

Here are a few simple ways to create more space for yourself:

Take a walk without a destination

Leave the headphones at home, notice what’s around you and allow yourself to walk at the pace your body wants to move.

Try a shorter meditation

Instead of expecting yourself to sit quietly for twenty minutes, begin with two or five. Choose a guided meditation so you have something to bring your attention back to.

Turn an everyday errand into time for you

Go for a coffee alone, browse the shops without rushing or take the longer route home. It doesn’t need to be a grand occasion to count.

Put your time in the calendar

If you only take time for yourself when nothing else needs doing, it will probably never happen. Decide when your time will be and protect it like any other commitment.

Choose something where you don’t have to lead

Book a class, treatment or session where somebody else has made the decisions. Sometimes the most relaxing part is not having to organise anything yourself.

Ask what you actually need

Before automatically choosing what you think self-care should look like, ask yourself:

If nobody needed anything from me for the next hour, what would I genuinely choose to do?

Your answer may be very different from what you expected.

You don’t have to earn time for yourself

Taking some time alone doesn’t mean I love being a mum any less.

It means I am listening to the part of me that needs a little space to think, breathe and move at her own pace.

We don’t need to wait until we are completely depleted before we’re allowed to ask for that.

Whether your version of calm is meditation, movement, quiet, connection or wandering around the shops without a pushchair, it matters.

Listening to what you need doesn’t make you selfish. It helps you return to the people you love feeling more like yourself.